The Birds and the Bees
by Shadowflame611
Summary: Just a short, silly oneshot in Mike's point of view... Please be sure to read the warning in the author's notes before you read the fic itself. Rating may change.


_...Starring Michelangelo._

_I figured that, since I am nominated for this story, I should post it here as well._

_A long while ago, I desperately needed to write something... __Anything to help relieve me of all those __lil__ plots running around in my head.__ I __donno__ what inspired me to write this more, the various programs that I saw on the Discovery Channel or the fact that guys my age can be quite...__uhh__...perhaps it would be suitable to use the term 'extremely sexually aware'. _

_Okay, about this __fic__...I am not a guy, so I can't say (or rather, type) that I know exactly how they think on this subject. Despite that fact, I realized that I can still try to fit my tiny feet into their shoes. So I did, and I ended up with this one shot._

_And hey, guess what? This is __juat__ a brief, '__;fun'__fic__! For once in my short history __fanfiction__, this has no angst! __WoOt__:D__ ((Second thoughts)) Well...then again, it might. Depends on how you look at it. Now... let me make it known that:_

_**The Ninja Turtles are not mine...still. Yeah, after hours of grueling counseling, I have come to accept that fact. But I can say this much: the plot is mine.**_

_**And if you for some reason are squeamish when reading things that refer to or imply sex, I strongly suggest that you do not read this **__**fic**__**. I don't think that anything in this **__**fic**__** it too drastic, but I just wanted to give a fair warning. :-)**_

-Michelangelo's point of view-

'Testosterone is some strong stuff. Seriously, a guy could just be standing there, minding his own business and secretly taping some Victoria's secret commercial to hide under his bed for later on… and then a shot of some girl with half- pipe curves and monster boobs comes on and wham—your in deep, man. Hit by a tidal wave of male hormones, struggling to not be pulled under by the undertone of lust…

'Leo seems to be a strong swimmer. He keeps his head above the surface and takes strong strokes to shore- the 'shore' being otherwise known as sexual sanity. Rarely do I see (or rather, sense) Leo having much trouble with that sort of thing. He's always so calm and collected, able to banish even the most blasphemous thoughts using his high level of control… a control that often seems to diminish when Raphael is around.

'I'm pretty sure that Donnie has floaties and a ducky inner tube—he seems to kindof bob there, not exactly being pulled under, but not making his way to shore, either. At first glance, Donatello seems to have a lot of control as well. He's very calm-most of the time, calmer than Leo- and gentle. Very shy, too. Because of his shyness, he does pretty well with keeping his thoughts to himself. But I think that, deep inside of him, there's some sort of caged beast there… a beast that, when he thinks that no one is watching secretly from the crack in the laboratory door, he lets out. Seriously, it's amazing what I've seen him do on his computer with the right search pages and the right terms… I learned a lot from him, and a lot about him.

'And then Raph… well, lets just say that its obvious that he goes wherever the current takes him. He's pretty flat out when it comes to these things… then again, he goes flat out with just about anything. Whatever is on his mind, he shares. Most of the time, when we are watching a show on the TV and a particular commercial comes on, I get the feeling by that lopsided grin on his face and the way his eyes gleam that he immensely enjoys being battered about by the hormone-waves. Raph only restrains himself from saying anything because Master Splinter is sitting right there, and if dad isn't within a twenty foot radius of the living room, then it's usually a good idea to just shut everything out. That includes Leo when he snaps at Raph, telling him to 'grow up'.

'As for me? I'm the one who, secretly, can't swim. I struggle to keep my head above the surface. It's only after what seems like hours of grueling breaststrokes do I make it back to shore. Problem is, in the world of male stimulation, there are no people to rescue you while you're out there- no one to throw that red and white lifesaver into the cold water so that you can grab on and cling to what's left of your sanity…

'Seriously, I mean sanity. It's tough to explain… you really feel yourself start to loose it. It's so weird… the feeling is kindof scary, but somewhat satisfying at the same time. Every thought is somehow connected with sex- it's all a guy thinks about. It dominates every sense… kindof makes him delusional; feel like he's there, standing before some girl, ready to… well, do it.

'…I often wonder if these feelings are normal for human guys, or if it's just a mutant turtle thing. I've asked Donnie before… I thought that he'd be able to help me answer that question. But he didn't, just kindof turned his shell on me, telling me not to ask such foolish questions and to come back when I have a better one.

'I don't think that he actually though it a stupid question… I just embarrassed him. After all, he was blushing.

'Heh…I guess I was kindof smiling in that stupid way of mine when I asked it… but I can't help it. I'm almost always smiling- whether I'm lying or telling the truth; whether telling a serious story or a joke…Hell, I've even got a lopsided grin plastered across my face right now. I guess that after all of these years of joking, of taking it under my wing as my job to keep a light mood around the house, that it's kindof etched in my brain to constantly smile.

'Going back to humans, I don't know why my body even bothers reacting this way to the Victoria's Secret commercials. Hell, I'm not even to sure why I bother taping them. They are just pictures, and… Not to be a pessimist, but it's not like any of the girls on the TV would even consider me as their lover. I mean, c'mon… I'm short, bald, green skinned… sure, I have been told I have an okay build, but when it comes down to it all, are the girls gonna be lookin' at my muscles or my 'hideous' (that's what an old lady once called me), unearthly face?

'When Splinter explained the 'Birds and the Bees' to us, he told us it was normal to want sex. Wait… maybe 'want' is not a strong enough word. No, I have this feeling that I need to spread my seed in every direction as far as I can.

'…And it was during that talk that he had said- of course, being him it was in the kindest way possible- that even though we want it, there is an extremely slim chance that we are going to get it. Not a surprise. For the most part I have realized, that no matter how much I passionately want it, I cannot live among the humans.

'All for the simple fact that They wouldn't accept me and my heritage. Hell, they can barely even accept their own differences. I'm an abomination, an alien… a huge, green stain on the Earth's population of intelligent creatures…

I sigh, pushing the 'eject' button and taking the tape out of the VCR. Holding it up to my face, I give the still- warm plastic a small, tender kiss before turning to go back to my room. I didn't want Master Splinter, Leo, and Donnie to know what I'd been doing…

…And Raph is sitting on the couch behind me, a devilish grin plastered across his features. I feel my heart freeze solid and drop to land with a sinking feeling to the pit of my stomach.

"Hey, Mike." Raph's voice is dangerously quiet and… well, gentle. However, his deceiving tone didn't make my guard drop an inch… on the contrary, it made me more alert than before. See, it's typically a good idea to be cautious when Raph goes 'bunny hugs'; usually he's like that because he sees a way to take advantage of his poor, innocent, adorable little brother. I swallow a lump in my throat.

"Raph! I, uh… I though you were sleeping!" This was true. I had checked on my brother to be absolutely sure that he was deep in Dreamland before getting my tape and coming down here to watch some TV… maybe I didn't check well enough. I wondered if he had been faking it.

"I was." He eyes shone with the maliciousness of the mind behind them. "Then I decided to get up to watch some TV, and came down only to see my that precious lil bro beat me to it." Precious? Oh, how flattering. "I was gonna ask ya to change the channel, but hey, you seemed to be having fun with it." He paused, then his grin faded into a mock frown of concern. "Aww… whatsa matter, Mike? You juss blanched… you sick or somethin'?"

I sigh, feeling my face grow hot at his pointing out of my pale face, causing him to snigger and make some asshole comment about fiber optic lamps mixing with turtles. Because of the situation I was in, I didn't know how to react to one of his statements with a sarcastic answer, (yeah, for once in my life) so I just cut to the point. "Alright, Raph… what did you see and what's the price?"

His grin became much wider than before, this one seeming to take up the majority of his face. He jerked his head in the direction of the tape in my hand, indicating it. "How many of those do ya have?" I didn't know whether or not it was a good idea to answer, so I shrugged. He continued, slightly changing the subject. "You seemed to be deep in thought, bro… Would've thought that you would be on high alert, considerin' what you were tapin'. Heh … funny… I thought that you had more self- control; didn't think ya'd do something like this."

Slowly, like an old man suffering from arthritis, he got up from his slouched position on the couch and moved over to me. Our beaks almost touched and I found I could smell his breath… surprisingly, it wasn't tainted with beer. He was crazy- and sober. I waited patiently, knowing all too well that Raph had the upper hand… I was at his mercy. Knowing my big bro, he would blackmail me until I did one of two things: got on my hands and knees and completely caved into him, promising to worship him as my god from thereon and obey his every command, or go crazy knowing the knowledge he beheld and confess to our father, Splinter. Knowing Raph, he would enjoy the latter much more.

I waited for him to say something. When he just continued to breathe in my face, I spoke, "Alright, Raph… I know what 'cha saw. Now, what's your price?"

In response, he pulled slightly back from me, his eye ridges furrowed as he considered my fate. Then he clapped a hand on my shoulder, pushing me back until I was at arm's length so that he could look me straight in the eye.

"Here's what we'll do, Mike." I swallow yet another lump as images of chains, cookbooks, and a foot basin flash across my mind. "We are gonna have a movie night… just me an' you." He began to jab a large, green finger at my chest to emphasize his words. "Next time we are alone in the lair, ya got it?"

I nodded and gave him a smile that felt more like a grimace. Movie night with Raph… he'll probably want to watch my taped commercials. And what's worse, he's probably gonna want to see all of the tapes, even the ones that go more in…depth…than the Victoria's Secret ones. After all, it's not all about Vicky.

Considering what an uncomfortable atmosphere there would be in the room at that time, I think I'd rather be his personal slave.

He grinned back at me, obviously pleased with my lack of resistance. "Good." And, without warning, his grip on my shoulder tightened as he once again pulled me to him, turning me rouchly around so that my shell faced him.

…Then he did something that was completely uncalled for.

Smack. I jumped away from him, not being able to suppress the yelp that escaped from my lips as Raphs rough, calloused hand made contact with my buttocks. I turned to him, meaning to give him a good yell for his stab at my pride, only to see that he had turned his back on me and was walking towards his room.

"Raph!"

"I'll see ya then, lil bro." Raph chuckled, disappearing into his room. As if on cue, I heard the front door to the lair open.

"We're home!"

"Aww... man." Gripping the tape in my hands, I made a mad dash for my room, wanting to get there before my other brothers and sensei saw my precious item and, thinking that I'd been taping a movie, ask which one it was and what it was about.


End file.
